The Worst Things In Life Come Free To Us
by Ricechex
Summary: Movement across the table drew his gaze automatically. Leonard - Bones, his Bones - sighed, wiped a hand over his face, and stood up. Without a word, he pulled at the ring on his finger, setting it down in front of Jim gently. Then he walked away. That was it. Five years, eight months, one week and six days - dissolved. Divorce finalised.


Five years, eight months, one week and six days. This wasn't supposed to happen.

Jim stared at the papers in front of him - honest to God _papers_, and he swallowed back against the bile rising in his throat as he picked up the pen.

_Just a formality. Sign here. Thumb print here. Another on the PADD._

Five years, eight months, one week and six days. Jim had been counting.

He pushed everything away from him then, staring at the table that might have been as big as a galaxy, for all that it was keeping him from.

_And now you, sir. Thank you_.

Jim's hands automatically opened to receive the copies of everything that he was getting. He stared at it all, not sure he could bring himself to read any of it. It didn't matter what the fine print said. There was only room for one thought in his head.

A prim looking young woman shuffled her own copies together, placed them in a briefcase along with the PADD. She stood up and shook his hand. And then she was gone.

He sat there, staring at nothing, waiting. Because it was coming. It was never supposed to be this way. And now it was.

Movement across the table drew his gaze automatically. Leonard - Bones, _his Bones_ - sighed, wiped a hand over his face, and stood up. Without a word, he pulled at the ring on his finger, setting it down in front of Jim gently.

Then he walked away.

That was it.

Divorce finalised.

Five years, eight months, one week and six days - dissolved.

Jim picked up the ring - it was still warm, and he swallowed again and licked his lips and threw the ring as hard as he could across the room, screaming as the tears began.

Before he went to bed that night, he retrieved the ring from behind the couch. He held it between two fingers, then slipped it over the ring finger on his right hand. It was just a bit loose, but it stayed well enough.

He climbed into bed and spent the night not sleeping.

* * *

Three years, four months, two weeks, and five days of one-night stands and bar brawls later, Jim found himself in another colourless, dismal ER room. He wasn't sure where he was, precisely, but he was able to say that he was somewhere in the continental United States. That was good enough for him, at this point.

The nurse had finished taking his vitals and, noting the ring on his finger, asked if she could call his spouse.

_Not married. Not anymore._

He twisted the ring absently as she nodded and said nothing else about it.

_The doctor will be in in just a moment._

Jim nodded and closed his eyes.

The door opened a moment later.

_Alright, Mr..._

Jim's eyes snapped wide open, shock causing his jaw to slack.

Bones stood there, his hand still on the door, gripping it so tight his knuckles were going past white. Jim couldn't stop the smile that began to spread over his face.

Bones stared at him, breathing ragged. Then, he shut down. His face blanked, cold professionalism taking over.

He turned around and walked back out of the room, the door closing louder and harder than Jim thought was strictly necessary.

He waited, and just minutes later the door opened again, this time to reveal a young man with a shock of red hair, who introduced himself as one of the other doctors on rotation.

_Dr. McCoy said that you're allergic to a few of the general painkillers?_

Jim nodded slowly, and sucked on his lips.

_Is... is there a reason he wouldn't treat me?_

The doctor made a few notes on the PADD as he answered.

_He claimed conflict of interest._

Jim closed his eyes and let the doctor do what he could.

* * *

Two weeks, three days later, Jim stepped into a coffee shop. He ordered a large coffee and an apple muffin, thinking of taking his breakfast outside to enjoy the sunshine.

He was just opening the door when he ran right into someone, and his coffee ended up all over them.

_Oh God, I'm, I'm so-_

_Jim?_

He stopped mopping at them with his spare napkins and blinked, looked up. Bones was staring at him, and Jim felt his body turn into a live wire at the scent of him so close, the feeling of him this near again.

_Bo-_

Bones glared, and turned around without another word, stomping back off down the street. Jim ran out after him, but lost him in the morning crowds. Angrily, he binned the empty coffee cup and the apple muffin, his hunger gone in the aftermath of that unexpected run-in.

* * *

Five months, two days later, Jim was walking through a park, simply taking in the fresh air and dreaming about his time aboard the _Enterprise_. A sharp prick on his arm startled him, and belatedly he realised it was a bee.

He was allergic. And he'd stopped carrying around hypos with the epinephrine.

Perfect.

He collapsed, hearing peoples shouts and concern. The world began spinning a bit as the allergy took hold. His throat felt like it was closing up, and the last thing he saw before the lights went out was a pair of familiar eyes looking angrily at him.

_Dammit, Jim._

He tried to smile. Hearing Bones one last time was worth it.

* * *

Four hours and twelve minutes later, he woke up in a hospital. He blinked at the lights above him, then turned his head ungracefully. There was a strange pressure on his left hand.

He looked down to see Bones there, his hand clasped tight around Jim's. Jim squeezed feebly, and Bones' head whipped around, fixing on Jim's eyes. Jim gave him a lopsided grin.

Bones dropped his hand like it was on fire, stood carefully, and walked out the door, pausing only momentarily to look over his shoulder and glare.

Jim closed his eyes and went back to sleep.

* * *

Seven weeks and one days later, Jim was standing in the ER waiting room again, though this time not as a patient. He stepped up to the counter with a delivery lunch bag and charming smile.

_Dr. McCoy - yes, it's all taken care of. Just, please make sure he gets it._

He threw the receptionist another smile, then left without another word.

* * *

Two days later, he got a comm.

_Leave me alone, Jim_.

He smiled at the screen.

_How was everything?_

His comm was silent the rest of the day, but his spirits were riding high.

* * *

Six days later, Jim was sitting outside the ER entrance when Bones stepped outside, back in his civvies after his shift. Jim looked over at him, then back out at the parking lot.

Bones sighed, coming over to the bench.

_Jim..._

Jim patted the bench, and waited.

Bones sighed.

_No, Jim. Leave. And don't come back unless you're bleeding._

Then Bones walked away, twirling his keys in his hand.

Jim pursed his lips.

* * *

Three days later, Jim walked into the ER.

He tried to smile at the receptionist, but it gave way to a grimace as his split lip began bleeding again. He was cradling his left hand against his chest. She looked at him and took his information and motioned to the seats in the waiting room.

He wasn't waiting long.

He'd barely settled down onto the cushion when the doors back to the patient rooms opened, and Bones stepped out, glaring at him. He didn't speak, just pointed at him and turned around, walking back through the doors.

Jim stood up and followed.

He nearly had to jog to keep up, stepping into the room Bones gestured to with a slight nod. He sat quietly as Bones began making notes.

_Tell me you didn't do this just to see me, Jim._

Jim carefully licked at his abused lips and stared at the floor.

_I've met your requirements, I think._

Bones growled, pulling out a hypospray and fiddling with the dosage.

_I'm going to need you to take that ring off._

Jim glared. Bones sighed.

_Your hand is swelling - I can take it off, or I can cut it off._

Jim closed his eyes, then pulled and tugged at the ring until it finally came off.

He held it out to Bones, who took it and placed it on a small table.

_Is it easier this way?_

Bones looked him in the eyes as he pushed the hypo against Jim's neck. _Is what easier?_

Jim swallowed thickly. _I haven't taken it off before, you know. My ring._

Bones glanced at the table, the small silver circle sitting apart from everything else.

_Jesus, just... shut up, Jim._

Bones turned around and pulled out another hypo, checking the dosage on it before he placed it against Jim's neck.

_I never stopped loving you. Never stopped wanting you back._

Bones closed his eyes.

_Fuck you, Jim_.

Jim blinked, realising he was getting a sedative too late to do anything about it. He slumped back on the bed, Bones' eyes filling with tears the last thing he saw.

* * *

One hour later, he woke to the sound of a nurse telling him he was ready to go. A cab had been called for him.

He nodded groggily, and reached for his ring on the table.

It was gone.

_My... my ring, where..._

The nurse looked at him, taking his hand gently and turning it over.

His ring was back on his finger.

He sighed, gave her a sad smile, and nodded, then left.

For the entire cab ride back to his apartment, he wondered if Bones had been the one to slip it back on his finger.

* * *

Sixteen hours later, he was startled out of a nightmare by the sound of someone at his door. He sent up a silent thanks to whatever deity seemed to believe he needed a break, and stumbled to the door in his pajama pants.

When the door opened, his former first officer stood there, looking just as rigid and unconcerned as ever.

Jim frowned, then glared, then felt his body begin shaking.

He fell forward, his knees buckling. Spock caught him before he hit the ground.

_He called you_.

Spock manoeuvred Jim to the couch.

_Of course. He is concerned by your recent behaviour, Captain_.

_Not Captain. Not anymore._

Spock watched him as he leaned forward, hands clutching at his hair and breaths coming too fast. He sat down beside him and placed a tentative hand on Jim's shoulder. Jim froze, taking one long deep breath before looking back at Spock.

_I need help, Spock_.

Spock nodded once. _I intend to do just that, Captain_.

Jim shook his head. _Not Captain. Not. _He reached up and placed his hand against Spock's, squeezing once. _I can't imagine what this is doing to you_.

Spock was silent as Jim let go of his hand. The cool air that washed over Jim's shoulder was harsh as Spock's hand moved off of him, and he hung his head again.

_It helped you, and that is worth it, Jim._

Jim covered his face and let himself cry then, just for a moment.

_I don't know how to live if I'm not with him_.

Spock took a breath. _The Admiralty would not be unwilling to reinstate you._

Jim looked back at Spock again. _I can't fly without Bones._

Spock didn't understand. And Jim knew that.

That was the worst part.

Jim took a deep breath, sat back. He looked at Spock and licked his lips.

_Would you ask him a question for me?_

Spock's eyebrow rose in question. _I would do my best to convey a message to Dr. McCoy, certainly._

Jim smiled faintly. _Good_.

* * *

Two days and six hours later, Jim sat on the hood of his car, knees pulled up to his chest and staring up at the stars. It was odd, to look at them from this perspective every night, and know that not long ago he was cruising through them, watching them pass alongside of his ship.

Another car pulled up beside his, idling for a moment. He didn't turn around.

After a few tense moments, the engine cut off, and the sound of a door opening brought a smile to his face.

_You wanted to see me?_

Jim looked down at his crossed feet. _You called Spock on me._

There was a pause, and then Jim felt the car dip slightly as Bones slid onto the hood of the car next to him. He slid over a bit, giving him room.

_I was worried about you._

Jim nodded. _I appreciate it._

He looked over at Bones, whose eyebrow was making a valiant attempt at joining his hairline. _That so?_

Jim smiled softly. _Yeah._

Bones snorted, looking away. His gaze caught the stars, and Jim watched him stargaze for a moment, an almost wistful look in his eyes.

_Spock thinks I should re-enlist._

Bones looked at him again, his expression guarded. _I'm surprised you haven't, to be honest._ He smiled. _You were born for it._

Jim shrugged. _Wasn't much reason to, without you._

Bones swallowed, looking away. _I never loved the black the way you did._

Jim looked up at the stars again. He really did love it - the way it had made him feel both free and grounded all at once. He looked at Bones, pausing until the other man looked back at him. He held his gaze for a few moments. _I loved you so much more. Still do._

Bones frowned, a hand rubbing over his face. _Jim..._

Jim shook his head. _Bones, when have I ever lied to you about how I feel?_

Bones opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again.

_Goddammit, Jim..._

Jim reached out, let his hand hover in the air for a few moments. He almost jerked back in surprise when he felt Bones' hand take his, just a brief grasp and squeeze before it fell away again.

_I want to give us another chance._

Bones looked back towards his car. _Jim, I can't. Not right now._

Jim couldn't stop himself then - he turned towards Bones, staring him down, willing him to make eye contact again. But he didn't. Bones kept his eyes very steadily looking out at the darkness in front of them.

_Bones, please-_

Bones shook his head, sighing.

_I'm sorry, Jim. I really am._

Jim reached out for him again, fingers finding only empty air. Bones had hopped off the hood of the car and was climbing back into his own. Jim blinked back tears, not looking away when the headlights came on and nearly blinded him.

Bones pulled away, and Jim threw himself back onto the car, screaming up at the sky.

* * *

Three days later, Jim leaned against Bones' car in the hospital parking lot. Absently he played with his ring, wondering if he was making a terrible miscalculation. But he was certain he wasn't.

Bones was walking towards the car, head down, and Jim steeled himself for what he was hoping would be quick and easy, if he could just make Bones hear him out for a moment.

It wasn't until Bones was within ten feet of him that he noticed him, the scowl on his face deepening and his eyes narrowing for a moment before he shook his head, looking tired and resigned.

_Go home, Jim_.

Jim gave him a small smirk. _You'd have to give me directions and a key, Bones_.

Bones frowned, then rolled his eyes when he got Jim's meaning.

_Get off my damn car, Jim_.

Jim pushed himself off the car and let Bones pass between the two of them.

_I didn't give it up for you, you know._

Bones paused with the door open, and turned around and looked at him.

Jim shrugged. _I know you don't believe me, but it's true. I never gave up Starfleet for you. I gave it up for me._

Bones rested his forehead against his arm where it was settled on the top of the car. _You get why that's hard for me to believe, right?_

_I wanted a life down here. _Jim licked his lips and carefully put his hand out, letting it settle on Bones' shoulder as gently as he could. _I wanted a life with you._

Bones was tense under his hand, and when he pulled it back, he steeled his nerves and slipped the ring on his right hand off, holding it out. Bones looked over his shoulder, staring at the ring.

_Is that-_

_Yes._ Jim swallowed. _I... I want you to have it back._

Bones went white at that. _No, Jim, I don't-_

Jim pressed forward. _Please, Bones. You don't have to wear it. Just... just take it, and promise me you'll think about this. Think about it all._

Bones ground his teeth, but he reached out and plucked the ring from Jim's fingers, shoving it in his pocket. _You tryin' to tell me you been pinin', all alone? Because I know you better'n you think._

Jim shook his head, holding both hands up. _I'll be the first to admit I've been sleeping with just about anyone I could find since we... _He let out a long breath. _But for two-hundred and thirty-six days now, it's been me and only me in my bed. _He looked down at his feet, putting his hands in his pockets. _And I want the chance to change that. But only for you._

He looked back up, taking in Bones' slightly trembling lower lip, and he wanted so much to pull him close, kiss him and hold him and tell him how he would never let anything like this happen again.

A sad smile and a quick nod, and he turned and walked away. He forced himself not to look back.

* * *

One week and one day later, Jim got a message on his comm.

_Thursday. There's a little steakhouse on Lexington. 1900._

Jim grinned, sending back his reply.

_I'll be there at 1845._

* * *

Three days later, Jim was standing in front of a modest little restaurant, wearing jeans and simple dark blue button-up shirt that Bones had gotten him that first year they'd been married. He'd been waiting for about three minutes when he heard familiar footsteps, and he turned with a grin. The sight of Bones made his smile falter a bit, but not in disappointment.

It seemed, he mused, that he hadn't been the only one to wear something with sentimental value.

Bones stood there in front of him, one foot scuffing the ground, hands shoved in his pockets, wearing a deep green t-shirt that Jim had given him while they were still at the academy. Admittedly, it was a bit more snug around Bones' shoulders these days, and it was beginning to show its age in the fraying at the collar and the hems on the sleeves, but Jim thought it looked like coming home.

_Wow. I... wow._

Bones snorted and rolled his eyes. _Yeah, because you weren't thinking the same damn thing, wearing that shirt_. He nodded at Jim, smirking.

Jim grinned. _I like this shirt, I'll have you know._

Bones' cheeks coloured at this, and he ducked his head as his right hand came up to rub at his neck.

_Yeah. I'm a might partial to this one myself._

Jim swallowed, took a deep breath, glanced at the restaurant. _You know, if you wanted..._ He looked back at Bones, eyebrows raised questioningly.

Bones frowned. _Oh no, not a chance. I invited you to dinner, and that's precisely what we're doin'._

Jim held up his hands placatingly. _I wasn't suggesting we do anything more than that. I was just... giving you options._

Bones shook his head. _No options. We have dinner, maybe coffee - at a coffee shop - and then we call it a night and go back to our respective homes. Nothing more_.

Jim beamed again, nodding and holding out his arm. _Shall we, then?_

Bones looked at his arm, sighed, and walked to the door, not waiting for him.

Jim's smile intensified.

* * *

Three and a half hours later, dinner and possible coffee had turned into dinner, coffee, gelato, and a casual walk down Lexington Ave. Jim thought he was behaving admirably - his hands never roamed, never tried to touch, but his eyes made sure Bones was appropriately appreciated. Each step down the sidewalk seemed to bring them slightly closer - not enough to brush shoulders, but still, it was something.

They ended up leaning over the railing on the sidewalk that surrounded a large lake, staring out at the small boats that were bobbing along as night fishermen began their shifts.

_This was nice. Food was great. _Jim licked his lips. _Company was even better_.

Bones smiled, that reserved, almost shy smile that Jim had only ever seen directed at himself.

_Yeah, I, uh... I had a good time._ Bones looked over at him, his smile dropping slowly. Jim watched him, waiting. He could see there was something Bones wanted - needed even, maybe - to say, but he'd learnt that pressure and strong-arming wasn't the way to get it out.

Bones sighed, looking down at the ground. _Why'd you give it up?_

Jim frowned for a moment. _You mean... The Enterprise?_

Bones shrugged. _Enterprise, Starfleet... all of it._ He turned around, putting his back to the water and looking over the city streets. _You were the best damn captain they were ever gonna have, Jim._ Bones swallowed. _I just can't wrap my head around it._

Jim looked down at the sandy stretch between them and the water. _It's complicated._

_So un-complicate it. Unless you don't think I'd understand. And don't give me any of that, 'You had nothing to do with it,' bullshit. _

Jim straightened, turning to Bones. The hurt was there, in his voice. The hurt and anger and frustration that had signalled the end of the best damn thing Jim had ever or would ever have in his life. He nodded slowly.

_Alright. I left because of you, but for myself. Better?_

Bones tensed, jaw clenched as he kept his gaze away from Jim, who rushed to continue.

_I left because I couldn't walk into Medical one more time, and have to put you through all of that again. Because every time I came back from a mission with any kind of injury, I saw it, Bones. I saw the way it tore at you, saw the pain it caused you_.

Bones swallowed, opening his mouth, but Jim raced to keep going.

_I remember waking up with my hand clutched in yours as you were begging and praying to any god you could think of. I remember coming to in isolation and seeing Geoff having to restrain you, having to sedate you, because I was hurt and you couldn't be next to me. I remember every single time I put you through hell because I had to be the captain instead of your husband._ Jim rubbed his face with his right hand. _And I just couldn't do that to you one more time, Bones. I couldn't. Because I knew that if I opened my eyes to see that look on your face one more time, I'd never forgive myself._

And now he did reach out - his hand hesitated briefly before gripping Bones' shoulder and squeezing lightly. _You're the absolute love of my life, and if Starfleet was in my blood from the beginning, then you were in my heart and soul. Always have been. Always will be._

He let his hand drop, but before it reached his side he felt Bones grab it, hold it tight. He held on right back.

When Bones looked at him, his eyes were shining even though his cheeks were still dry.

_Goddammit all_.

And then Bones was kissing him.

It was sloppy and desperate and Jim was shaking as his hands came up, one hand's fingers tangling in Bones' hair while the other hand skimmed over his lower back, pulling him closer and closer, like this would turn out to be a dream if Jim let any space between them at all. Bones' lips were warm and just a little dry and they felt like home, tasted like chocolate gelato and burned right through him. Jim pressed forward, encouraged by the feeling of hands on his face, the side of his neck, the rough pad of Bones' thumb stroking over his cheek like it used to, and he whimpered. Bones pulled back slightly, breath hot against Jim's face, eyes opening slowly and looking at him like he was sin and salvation all wrapped up together.

_Bones_.

Bones' hands slid slowly down, away from his neck, resting against his chest and gripping his shirt tight. _I tried, dammit, I tried so fucking hard to get over you._

Jim licked his lips and swallowed and moved his hand from the back of Bones' head to his shoulder, watching him cautiously but curiously.

_I wanted to hate you, I really did. You were so damn miserable after we left Starfleet and I wanted to blame you for all of it, but really it just came back to me knowin' you left because I hated it so much._

Jim shook his head. _No, Bones that isn't true. I swear it's not true._

Bones shuddered, leaning his forehead against Jim's. _Four years, Jim. For four years I've been tryin' to hate you, and all I end up doin' is hatin' myself._

Jim decided to try his luck, and pressed in for a soft, chaste kiss. Bones kissed him back.

_Four years, I've been trying to get over you too you know._

Bones smiled softly, his gaze on their feet. _How's that been workin' out for you?_

Jim chuckled. _Not so well. Can't even stand to take off my ring._

Bones nodded. _Doesn't seem to have stopped your… activities._

Jim tensed. This was dangerous ground, and he knew it. _It was a good reminder_.

Bones looked at him then. _Of what?_

Jim took a deep breath. _Everything I lost when you walked out_.

Bones pursed his lips and looked away, face pinking a bit. They stood there for several moments, waiting.

_I uh… _Bones sighed and closed his eyes. _I got a shift tomorrow, at the hospital. I should get home_.

Jim felt himself deflate a little, but he nodded, smiling. _Yeah. Wouldn't do to have you fall asleep on a patient._

Bones stepped back, and Jim's hands reluctantly let him go. The walk back to their respective cars was mostly quiet, but Bones reached out and took his hand as they walked, and Jim felt like he was stuck in a transporter beam, the way all of him seemed to atomise at the feeling of it.

Saying goodnight was hard, and he leaned in for one more kiss, surprised when Bones pulled him closer and deepened the kiss.

He watched as Bones drove away, fingertips tracing the tingling in his lips.

He could work with this.

* * *

Two days later, his comm chirped again.

_I seem to have a free night tonight. You?_

Jim quirked his eyebrow in what he knew was a pale imitation of Bones' own abilities, and smiled. _What did you have in mind?_

_Andorian blues - there's a band playing at one of the pubs I like to go to. If you're interested. 2000, at Mac's._

_Then first round's on me._

* * *

Seven hours later, Jim was sitting in a small booth, sipping a particularly good Andorian ale. Bones was next to him, his left side pressed against Jim's right, holding a mint julep carefully by it's rim. He was humming along and smiling, and Jim wondered how long it had been since he'd been this relaxed.

The song ended, and Bones applauded softly, looking over at Jim.

_I got next round_.

Jim grinned and nodded. _Sure thing, Bones_. He felt good, felt really good - the ale was strong enough that he was feeling a mild buzz now that he was almost finished with his first drink, and Bones looked so comfortable there with him, stuck to his side like they'd never been apart, and Jim wondered how he'd even been alive for those four years they'd been apart.

Bones signalled to the bartender for another round, and Jim downed the last of his ale. There was a new one within moments, and he sipped it as the next song started, slow and sensual, and the weight and warmth of Bones there beside him was even more intoxicating than his drink, and he leaned over and pressed a kiss to Bones' cheek, startling slightly when Bones turned his head and captured Jim's lips with his own. Jim's left hand came up to tangle in Bones' hair and he shifted slightly, angling himself towards Bones as best he could in the space. Bones was hot and spicy-sweet and Jim melted into the kiss, forgetting himself for a moment.

_Marry me, Bones_.

It had definitely been the wrong thing to say.

Bones pulled back like Jim had just slapped him, arms straight where they held Jim away as his eyes narrowed. _What?_

Jim flushed shaking his head. _Nothing, forget I-_

_Did you just fucking propose, Jim?_

Jim closed his eyes. _I'm sorry_. He winced. It sounded stupid and pathetic, even to him.

Bones sat there, still holding him at arm's length, for several more minutes. Finally he shook his head, and let out a long breath. His arms relaxed incrementally, dropping away as he turned back towards the table and picked up his drink. He downed it faster than Jim would have believed, and signalled for another one, not looking at Jim again.

When he had his new drink, he sat there until the song ended before he was willing to break the silence.

_You really think us gettin' married again would be a good idea?_

Jim opened his mouth to reply, but Bones cut him off with a shake of his head.

_I don't mean… ever. Just… right now._

Jim sat back, watching a rivulet of condensation trail down his glass. _Right now… probably not. But… _He rubbed at his eyes. _I can't picture my life without you in it, Bones. And I don't mean as my friend, or as someone who I go out on dates with but don't wake up to in the morning._ He reached out then, the back of his knuckles stroking carefully along Bones' cheek. Bones looked at him. _When I picture my life - the future of everything I am or do - you're there beside me, every step of the way._

Bones averted his eyes. He said nothing else about it as they listened to the rest of the set. But he held Jim's hand when they walked to their cars, and kissed him softly before driving away.

Jim stood in the parking lot and watched his car until it disappeared.

* * *

Twelve hours later, Jim woke to the sound of his door chime. He was just pulling up his sweatpants when he opened the door.

Bones was standing there, looking lost and exhausted.

Before Jim could say anything, Bones was on him, kissing him frantically.

_I couldn't sleep._

Jim's hands came up to tangle in his hair, pulling him closer as they stumbled towards the couch.

_I couldn't sleep because you fucking proposed, Jim, and all I wanted to say was yes, but I can't, I fucking can't right now._

They fell onto the couch, Bones on top of Jim, both of them breathing like they had just finished a marathon.

Jim stared up at Bones, who was glaring at him as he leaned in to kiss him again.

_Why am I still so fucked up over you?_

Jim clung to him and said nothing, because hell if he knew why Bones had never moved on.

_I love you, Bones_.

Bones' forehead was resting on Jim's bare shoulder, and moved so he could bite down on it, just enough to leave a mark. Jim gasped and arched up against him.

_Do you know what I did last night, after we left the bar?_

Jim shook his head as Bones pulled back, staring at him.

_I drove around for half the night, thinking I should just comm you, beg to come over. _Bones kissed him again. _And the rest of the night, I thought about what I'd do when I got here_.

Jim groaned, his hands dragging up Bones' back, slipping under his shirt so he could drag blunt nails against soft skin. Bones gasped and ground his hips against Jim's.

_And what would you do when you got here, Bones?_

Bones' right hand was gripping Jim's hip, and he gave a quick squeeze. _I'd fuck you through the mattress._ Jim licked his lips and smirked as Bones continued. _Flip you onto your hands and knees and pull your hair so hard you saw stars._ Jim's jaw went slack as Bones ground his erection against his hip again, head going back and eyes rolling at the feeling.

_Fuck, Bones… _It had been so damn long since Jim had had more than his right hand and a hazy memory of nights on _Enterprise_, the two of them in their combined quarters, with the stars and the black rushing by their window. And now here he was, here _they_ were, and Bones was pulling off his shirt with one hand while the other one slid under the waistband of Jim's sweats. And before Jim understood what he was doing, his hand was on Bones' wrist, stopping him momentarily.

Bones arched an eyebrow at him. Jim looked at him for a moment, thoughts spinning madly out of control.

_Just… gimme a minute…_

Bones licked his lips, then nodded and sat back, easing off of Jim's body and onto the arm of the couch. Jim rubbed his hands over his face and sat up, wanting to reach out and pull him back down, wanting to drown in the feeling and taste and smell of Bones, _his Bones_, but he pushed away, sat with his back to the arm so that they had the couch between them now.

_If I ask you why you came over here… _Jim licked his lips and swallowed against his dry throat. _Am I gonna like the answer you give me?_

Bones was quiet, his eyes on the couch cushion beneath his feet. _I don't know_.

Jim nodded.

The silence stretched. Finally, Bones sighed and stood up, putting his shirt back on hastily.

_I should… I should go…_

Jim closed his eyes and listened as the door closed, palms digging into his eyes as the torrent of his emotions caught up to him.

* * *

Four days later, he commed Bones.

_Just tell me you're alive._

His comm chirped an hour later.

_I'm alive._

He got in his car and drove as far as he could before stopping for gas. He filled up the tank, and kept driving.

* * *

Two days later, he woke up in an unfamiliar room with a headache and a stranger's shirt on. He punched the wall until his knuckles split, screaming.

No one came to check on him. It was the best he'd felt in almost a week.

One day later, he commed Bones again.

_I fucked up. I'm so sorry._

He climbed into his own bed and watched the daylight slowly dim.

* * *

Eighteen hours later, he woke up again to the sound of his door chime. And when he opened it, it was Bones.

Jim stood there, blocking his way in, one hand on lock pad and the other on the jamb, and waited.

Bones swallowed.

_I fucked up too_.

Jim closed his eyes. _Oh_.

He opened his eyes and watched Bones as he ran a hand through his already dishevelled hair. Bones stared at the floor, his hands going to his pockets. _You gonna make me stand out here for this conversation?_

Jim thought about it. He wanted to be angry, but he wasn't nearly awake enough to even try it, and he knew he didn't have a right to be. But all the same, he thought about.

Then he stepped back and let Bones in.

There was no frantic press of lips, no groping or desperate touching. Bones stepped in and the door closed and they stood there, awkward like two teenagers who had managed to get the house to themselves.

Jim shook his head. _Coffee?_

Bones nodded, throwing him a grateful smile. _Thanks._

Jim shrugged and paced to the kitchen, dumping grounds and hot water into an old fashioned French press. He set the timer, then pulled out the mugs. From the corner of his eye he saw Bones shuffle forward to stand just at the threshold of the kitchen. Jim pulled out the sugar automatically - old habits really did die hard - and turned his back to the counter, leaning against it with arms crossed over his bare chest.

_I'm sorry, Jim._

He looked over at Bones. He looked miserable - far more miserable than Jim thought he should, even with the anger he'd almost grasped at. Bones swallowed and raised his eyes.

And there it was - the look. The one that made the breath catch in his throat. The one that made him feel just a bit feral and protective, except that now the anger and desire to protect was only being directed back at himself. He had messed up, and it was his fault that Bones looked like that now.

The timer went off, and Jim poured the coffee, adding sugar to Bones' and stirring it quickly before handing it off. Bones took it with a nod of thanks and sipped at it, closing his eyes and smiling softly.

_Damn, this is good_.

Jim smirked. _Life's too short to drink bad coffee_.

They stood there, and Jim wondered if this was all he could really hope for now - mutual awkwardness and self-loathing. Bones took another sip, then set his coffee down.

_I thought about what you asked._

Jim frowned, because he'd ask so many things, and Bones never seemed to answer him, never seemed to respond. So he waited. He'd become pretty good at that.

_OK_.

Bones took a deep breath in through his nose, then met Jim's eyes again. _You wouldn't have liked my reason for coming by last week. You'd have enjoyed it, but you wouldn't have liked it._

Jim tensed. _So it… it was just sex._

Bones shook his head tiredly. _I don't know what to say to that Jim._

Jim slammed his mug down harder than he meant to, and Bones jumped at the sound, his eyes going wide as he watched Jim.

_How about the god damn truth, Bones? Because it seems pretty clear to me that you came by last week because you wanted to get laid_.

The shock was gone now, and Bones' eyes were narrowed. He stepped forward towards Jim. _That don't mean it was just sex_.

Jim threw up his hands. _Then what the hell was it?_

Bones stepped closer, a finger prodding Jim's chest to accentuate what Bones was saying. _It's never - ever - been just sex. Not between us. Not once_. Jim glared. Bones crossed his arms. _So yeah, maybe I came by because I was thinkin' with something besides my brain, but you're not the only one who could find someone to get him off. I chose to come here because of you._

Jim rolled his eyes. _And then you ran off to find someone else when I stopped things._ Bones stepped back like he'd been slapped, gaping at Jim, who no longer knew why he was saying any of the things that were pouring from his mouth now, and that he seemed unable to stop. _You didn't talk to me for four days, and then you only responded with two fucking words. Were you too busy fucking whoever they were to think that maybe I was worried about you? That maybe I thought you were in trouble, or hurt, or worse?_ He was yelling now, but Bones didn't move away again. He just stood there, hands at his sides, and took everything Jim hurled at him.

_Did you give a shit at all about what I might have been feeling, Bones?_

Bones didn't answer right away. Jim knew the answer - of course Bones had been worried. Bones couldn't help but worry. It was what they did, ever since Bones had warned him he might throw up on him, then handed him his flask.

Jim stepped back then, finger pinching the bridge of his nose. _Bones…_ He took several deep breaths, then stilled as he felt warm arms wrap around him. Instinctively he melted into the embrace, his arms coming up around Bones' torso and holding tight.

He didn't hear it at first, but he could feel Bones' lips moving against his shoulder, felt his breath puffing out as he whispered against his skin.

_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Jim, I'm sorry…_

Jim thought about everything for a moment. Then he stopped thinking, and decided to act on his gut feeling.

He turned his head as Bones' came up, catching his lips in a kiss. Bones' hands came to rest against the sides of his face and neck, thumbs stroking over his cheekbones. It's sweet and tender and just a little bit demanding, and Jim reached for Bones' shirt, undid the buttons one by one. Bones didn't stop him, didn't do anything but moan softly into his mouth and kiss him harder, hands running over his shoulders and down his back, nails pulling at skin hard enough that it's just this side of painful, and Jim groaned and then he's pushing Bones' shirt off his shoulders.

Bones' hands fell away long enough to drop the shirt on the floor before gripping Jim's shoulder tightly. Jim grabbed the belt loops on his jeans and pressed against him.

_Bedroom?_

Bones nodded against him, following along with his hand clenched in Jim's, until they were in a small room with a large bed and Jim was stepping out of his pyjama bottoms.

When he turned back, Bones was striding towards him, jeans pooled on the floor. Jim barely registered the boxers Bones wore before he was pressed back onto the bed, Bones climbing on top of him and kissing him.

Jim's hands roamed freely, palms sliding over Bones' arms and shoulder, down his back, gripping his ass and pulling him tight against him. Bones moaned, and a thumb snaked across Jim's left nipple, rough and perfect and Jim arched into the feeling of Bones warm and heavy above him.

They shifted up towards the centre of the bed, Bones' mouth trailing along his cheek and jaw, down to his neck, nipping at his skin before soothing over it with his lips. Jim panted and whimpered as Bones' hands ran down his ribs and stopped at his hips, gripping them tight.

_Jim…_

Before Bones could say anything else, Jim shoved a bottle of lube and a condom at him. _Please, Bones, please_.

Bones made a choked sound, grabbing them from him, and then kissing his way down Jim's chest. Jim gasped when he felt slick fingers clasp around his cock, the first slow pull exquisite and too much and not even close to enough.

Bones kept up a slow, steady pace on his cock, lips kissing over his abdomen and chest and hips, and Jim was whimpering and keening and so damn _desperate_ that he didn't even care, he didn't care what sounds Bones was pulling out of him, so long as he didn't stop.

Then Bones tongue flicked out and licked the head of his prick, and he nearly came right then, stomach muscles twitching and quivering and his whole body vibrating.

_God you're gorgeous like this._

Jim just panted in response, and scrambled at the bed when Bones licked him again, longer and slower and harder this time.

Then Bones' mouth closed around him, lips slid down to meet his hand, and Jim begged for all he was worth.

_Please, Bones, oh fuck, please, please…_

Bones' lips slid down until they hit his hand, his cheeks hollowed, and Jim could hear the cap on the bottle of lube pop open again. Jim licked his lips and shifted his hips slightly, trying to push into Bones' mouth and give him easier access. A finger pressed against him, and he shifted back, felt it slip inside him, just enough to let him adjust. Then it moved, pushing in further and further, and Bones' mouth never let up, and Jim bit his lip so hard he thought he might draw blood.

The stretch of just one finger was quickly replaced with _two_ fingers, moving and scissoring and twisting, and Jim was moaning and crying out and so _damn needy_ he couldn't form a single word, let alone any sort of actual request. Jim felt a third finger slip into him, and Bones' mouth pulled off him. He looked up to see him tearing open the condom with his teeth, and Jim swallowed around a dry throat. Bones' fingers slid out of him, and a second later were replaced with the blunt head of his cock. He carefully pushed in, giving Jim time to adjust as he did. When he pulled back out, Jim reached for him, pulled him down and kissed him hard, hands scrambling at his back.

_What happened to fucking me through the mattress?_

Bones pulled away enough to raise one eyebrow, then slammed back into Jim.

_That can be arranged._

Bones' thrusts were just on the cusp of too much, and Jim's hips rose to meet him, falling into a rhythm he'd never really forgotten, even in the years they'd been apart. Jim hissed out a breath, squeezed his eyes shut. _Fuck, Bones, I've missed this_.

Bones said nothing, just kept pounding into him, angling so that he'd bump Jim's prostate every couple of thrusts. Jim was so close it hurt, and just as he was about to come, he felt Bones pull out, felt himself get flipped over onto his stomach, and then Bones was back inside him, shoving his hips up and pulling his hair, and Jim came undone under it all. He put his hand over his own cock and tugged once, twice, three times, and came with a shout.

Bones wasn't far behind, the feeling of Jim's body clenching and convulsing around him too much to withstand. He buried himself in Jim one last time and pulled him up so that Jim's back was pressed to his chest, and he bit down on Jim's shoulder.

It would leave a mark. Jim smiled and ran his clean hand through Bones' hair.

_I love you._

Bones sagged slightly, pulling out carefully. _Did I hurt you?_

Jim thought about lying. He thought about brushing it off. But he couldn't.

_Yeah. It hurt._

Bones slipped off the bed and left the room. Jim eased himself down, listening to the sound of running water. He looked at the open bathroom door, but he couldn't see Bones from this angle. So he waited.

He didn't have to wait long. Bones came back after a few moments with a wet washcloth. Jim reached for it, but Bones shook his head, pulling his hand away.

_Let me._

Slowly, lovingly, Bones dragged the cloth along Jim's skin. He wiped off Jim's hand, and then his softened prick, and then his ass, his free hand rubbing gently along Jim's side and leg. When he finished, he tossed the cloth into the hamper, and pushed Jim over a bit, climbing down to lay with him.

_You should have stopped me._

Jim shrugged. _If I wanted to, I would have._

Bones pressed closer, pulling Jim into his arms.

_You're an idiot._

_You love me._

Bones didn't reply.

* * *

Four hours later, Jim woke up to the sight of Bones sleeping. He held his breath, and reached up to brush some of the hair away from his face, afraid he might find that this was a dream.

When Bones stirred, he only shifted closer, his arm snaking around Jim's waist and his breath warm against Jim's collarbone.

Jim closed his eyes again.

* * *

Two hours later, the feeling of Bones slipping out of bed roused Jim again. He blinked his eyes a few times, watching as Bones quickly gathered his clothes, slipping into his boxers and jeans easily. He stepped out of the room with his shirt in his hand.

Jim waited, but he didn't hear the front door.

He waited a bit more, then got up and put on his sweatpants.

Bones was in the kitchen, sipping a bottle of water. His shirt was still off, tucked into one of his back pockets. When he saw Jim, he blushed, and looked away.

_I wasn't… I didn't know if I should stay, but I didn't wanna just sneak off and…_ He sighed. _This whole thing is so fucked up, I don't even know if it can be fixed. Not really._

Jim pursed his lips. _I love you_.

Bones looked pained. _So you keep saying._

_Do you not love me?_

Bones looked up sharply. _Fuck you._

Jim crossed his arms. _That's not really the best answer right now, Bones_.

Bones rubbed at his eyes. He took another drink from the water bottle, tossing the empty plastic into the recycling container. He looked back up at Jim. _I think I've been in love with you since you took my flask on that first shuttle ride from Riverside, and I don't know how to stop, even when I want to, even when it would be so much easier. I've wanted to hate you and I've wanted to be indifferent to you and even those three years we didn't see each other couldn't make me stop._ Bones stepped closer, hands clasping the side of Jim's face and neck and holding him there. Jim's hands came up and held Bones' wrists. Bones swallowed. _I've done nothing but love you, even when I hated myself._

Jim held his breath.

_I miss you. Miss this._ Bones leaned in and kissed him, his lips pressing against Jim's, against his cheek and his temple and his forehead and then the corner of his mouth again. _I love you so damn much that I make myself sick with it._

Jim licked his lips. _I fucked anything I could. I wanted to forget you. I thought, maybe, if I just slept with enough partners, got beaten enough times, I'd be able to stop wearing my ring. But every time I thought about taking it off… _He closed his eyes. _Every time, every fucking time, Bones, I saw you standing there, looking nervous as hell and excited as a kid on Christmas all at once. I saw you sliding that ring on my finger and I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was like a perfect little holovid playing over and over in my mind._

He opened his eyes. Bones was looking at him through wet eyes, blinking and smiling softly, the pads of his thumbs stroking over Jim's cheekbones.

_I love you, Jim_.

Jim kissed him.

_Come back to bed._

He did.

* * *

One day later, Jim showed up at the hospital with lunch. Bones stepped out of the patient area in blue scrubs, smiling.

_Come on, I'll show you my lovely office_.

Jim grinned, and followed him.

When Bones opened the door, Jim bit his lips.

It was _not_ a lovely office. It was small and crowded and cluttered in a way Jim had never seen an office inhabited by Bones to be. At his questioning look, Bones shrugged.

_Well, my office that I share with three other people._

Jim nodded.

_That explains a lot, then._

Bones nodded, and took a seat behind his desk. Jim handed him the lunch he'd picked up, pulling out a seat in front of the desk.

_Do you ever miss your Sickbay on Enterprise?_

Bones picked up a fork and began picking at the salad Jim had handed him. _Sometimes. On days that end with -y. _Jim laughed, and Bones smirked. _What about you? You miss the chair?_

Jim sat back in his seat. _Everyday. Every single day, I wake up and think I'm going to roll over, see you there, look out the window and see the stars passing by. Then I blink, and I remember that we're not up there._

Bones paused in his chewing, looking up at Jim sadly. _I'm sorry, Jim._

Jim waved his apology off. _Not your fault - I told you that. I left because it was my choice to._

Bones nodded, and took another bite. Jim opened up his own lunch - spaghetti with meatballs - and twirled some pasta onto his fork.

_Truth is, I'd be just as happy to wake up and see the sun every morning, if you were there. I liked those mornings… before._

Bones licked his lips. _So, uh… there's a movie coming out. Thought it might be nice to go see._

Jim chuckled. _A movie? Really? We were never a movie-date couple_.

Bones shrugged. _If you don't want to-_

Jim shook his head hastily. _Didn't say that. Just… surprised._

Bones took another bite.

_So, you gonna tell me what movie?_

Bones shook his head. _Nope. But I will tell you that I'm going to be at Portside Theatre Company on Friday at 1900 hours._ He arched a brow. _You know, if you care to join me._

Jim sipped the water he'd brought thoughtfully. _Does that mean I won't see you until Friday?_

Bones grimaced. _I'm on call the rest of today, and while I should only have a regular shift tomorrow, there's a patient I need to track, so-_

_You'll be here late. _Bones nodded, and Jim sighed. He ran his hand through his hair, trying not to sound desperate when he spoke again. _Will you… I mean, can I comm you?_

Bones chewed slowly, a lazy smile spreading over his face.

Jim smirked.

* * *

Two days, six hours, and thirty-two minutes later, Jim was leaning against the brick outer wall at _Portside Theatre Company_. He was wearing jeans and a plain white t-shirt along with his favoured leather jacket, and he was very aware of every pair of eyes that fell on him and lingered. He smirked - he'd made sure he wore something simple but… enticing.

Then Bones walked up, and Jim's carefully cultivated nonchalance dropped inch by inch.

He was wearing loose-fitting khakis and a tight black t-shirt, tucked into his pants neatly. His hair was still slightly damp, and a bit wind-blown - Jim though he must have driven over with the windows on his car down, enjoying the temperate weather this evening. And when he saw Jim, his smile could stop traffic.

Jim didn't even think. He just walked over, pulled Bones close, and kissed him.

And, better yet, Bones kissed him back. No hesitation, no second guessing. Jim kissed him, and Bones kissed back, and it was _perfect_.

When he pulled back, Bones was grinning at him.

_Miss me, darlin'?_

Jim smiled. _Barely noticed your absence. _Bones laughed, and Jim reached for his hand as they walked towards the lines. _So what movie are we here to see?_

Bones pulled out his wallet and slipped out two pre-purchased tickets, his smile widening at Jim's look of shock. He didn't answer, and the kid taking their stubs simply directed them to a theatre on their right. They stopped to get popcorn and a drink first, and Bones only complained once when Jim doused the kernels with butter.

Jim tried to look at the title on the marquee when they get closer, but got distracted when Bones leaned in and turned his head to kiss him.

He let Bones pull him along after that, Bones' laughter soft and comforting.

Turned out, it was an old horror movie from the early 21st century. The acting was terrible, and the effects were cheesy, and Jim's never enjoyed himself so much. The popcorn was salty and the soda was cold and Bones held his hand through the whole thing.

When they left, Bones paused at his car. _Did you have dinner?_

Jim shook his head. _Got something in mind?_

Bones smiled. _Hop in_.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, they're sitting in a small booth in a tiny restaurant, sitting so close they're practically on top of each other. They have a couple plates of tapas, things Jim's not certain he can pronounce but that Bones had certified as being safe with his allergies. It was all very good, too, and they reached over each other for pieces of things, bickering happily over who got the last piece of what. Jim sipped at a glass of peach sangria, and when Bones kissed him he could still taste the butter from the popcorn at the edges of his mouth.

Bones' eyes took on a glassy sheen the later they stayed, and Jim felt himself growing languid and sleepy.

_I… I hate to cut this short…_

Bones' fingers trailed up his arm, and Jim shivered.

_Come back to my place._

Jim looked at him, eyes narrowed as he contemplated the suggestion.

_You don't have work tomorrow?_

Bones shook his head. _It's my weekend off. Won't have another full one for seven weeks, but it could be worse._

Jim licked his lips. _You sure?_

Bones reached up, letting his fingers brush along Jim's temple and cheek, down to his neck. _Yeah._ He leaned in and kissed Jim chastely. _Come home with me, Jim_.

Jim's mouth went dry, and his breath shook when he answered.

_Okay._

* * *

Seventeen minutes later, Jim shoved Bones against the wall in his tidy kitchen and kissed him hard as he pulled his carefully tucked shirt out of his pants and over his head in one smooth movement.

When Bones shoved the jacket off his shoulders, Jim let it pool on the floor without concern. His shirt followed it quickly.

Bones took control again, walking them through a hall as he kissed and sucked at Jim's neck, hands roaming over exposed skin with knowledge built from their years together.

Jim's knees hit the edge of the bed, and he pulled Bones down with him.

_Bones…_

Bones straddled his hips, kissed him gently. _I've missed you so much._

Jim put his palms against Bones' chest, pushed him back just a bit. Bones looked at him quizzically.

_Tell me… _Jim swallowed. _Tell me it wasn't… _He looked down at the bed, then back at Bones.

Bones licked his lips. _It wasn't here._

Jim nodded. _Tell me?_

Bones frowned. _You really wanna hear about… that?_

Jim let his hands trail lightly over Bones' stomach. _Yeah, I do._

Bones leaned in, smiling slightly. _He was young and overeager._ He nuzzled his nose against Jim's cheek. Jim inhaled sharply, but said nothing as Bones continued. _His hands shook when he touched me. Couldn't have been more than twenty or so_.

Jim moaned softly and let his arms go around Bones' shoulders, pulling him closer.

_And he came so fast it was barely worth my time._

Jim's fingers dug into Bones' back, just a little, and he arched into him.

_And when he sucked me off, I shouted your name._

Jim's legs wrapped around Bones' waist, pulled Bones' groin hard against his own. Bones hissed out a breath, biting into Jim's shoulder hard enough to leave a mark. Jim rolled them so that he was on top now, hovering over Bones and staring him in the eyes.

Bones smirked. _Your turn_.

Jim hesitated a moment but decided that if Bones was asking, he'd be honest. Bones had been, after all.

_She said she'd never been with two guys at once._

Bones' eyes widened, but he said nothing as his hands settled at Jim's hips.

_She said she wanted to watch us first, then join in. I fucked him against the wall and kept my hand in his hair so that he couldn't turn and look at me._

Bones bit his lower lip, fingertips kneading into Jim's upper thighs through his jeans.

_And then I went down on her while he fucked her mouth. She came three times, and when he asked for my name, I told him it was Leonard._

Bones sucked in a breath, his hips rolling up against Jim's weight.

Jim leaned down until he was nose to nose with Bones. _He begged me to comm him. When I woke up, I was alone, and I left his number sitting on the bedside table._

Bones' hands flew up, pulled Jim down by his neck. The kiss was rough and demanding and Jim never wanted it to stop.

Bones' hands slipped back down, unfastened his pants and began tugging at them. _Fuck, Jim…_

Jim lifted up so that Bones could slide the jeans over his hips, straightening his legs so they could slide to the floor. He sat there, staring at Bones - who was still in his own jeans. One side of Jim's mouth quirked up.

_You are still wearing entirely too much._ A wicked gleam sparked in his eyes. _And I think I told you way more about my screw up than you did about yours._

He pulled at Bones' belt, undid the fly on his jeans. He leaned over, placing a kiss on Bones' stomach that made him quiver. He looked up, smiling. Bones was propped up on his elbows, lips thinned and pupils blown wide and he was staring at Jim with absolute naked lust.

_You owe me more details_.

Bones swallowed thickly. _My… poor choice… was a lot less exciting than yours._

Jim's fingers curled into the waistband of his jeans. _I'm sure you'll think of something to tell me._ And then Jim began inching the jeans and briefs under them down, slowly, slowly, _so damn slowly_.

Bones whimpered, his head going back, and Jim appreciated the line of his neck for a moment. He watched as Bones swallowed again.

_He's one of the nurses at the hospital. Training, before moving on_.

Jim licked a long line from one hip to the other, his tongue dipping a bit to rub against the elastic of Bones' briefs.

Bones shuddered. _He said he likes older men. Said he's been watching me for weeks now._

Jim nipped at the crease of Bones' hip, and slid his jeans a bit further down. Bones gasped and arched involuntarily.

_He didn't know how to use his tongue and twice he pulled off of me because he thought I was close. Damn near had to put him against a wall so he'd just fucking keep going._

Jim slid the jeans and briefs over Bones' hips finally, licking his cock from base to tip.

_And when it was over I realised how much I wished it had been you._

Jim looked up. Bones was looking at him sadly.

_I'm sorry._

Jim sat back, his hands resting on Bones' thighs. _For what?_

Bones shook his head. _You know what. For everything. I'm sorry I fucked some stupid nurse who was barely legal. Sorry I ran out days before that. Sorry I didn't just come back to your place after the bar that night._ He sat up, his legs trapped a bit in the jeans, and leaned forward, his face inches from Jim's. _Sorry I ended things at all._ He pressed a kiss to Jim's lips, and Jim closed his eyes._ Sorry I misread so many things._ He kissed Jim's chin. _Sorry I didn't talk to you. _He kissed the corner of Jim's mouth. _Sorry I didn't fight harder, like you knew I could._ He kissed Jim's lips again.

Jim opened his eyes. _I love you_.

This time, Bones didn't hesitate. _I love you, too_.

* * *

Seven hours later, Jim felt Bones shift behind him, felt him snuggle closer, felt his arm tighten around his waist. He smiled, and went back to sleep.

* * *

One hour and fifty-three minutes later, Jim woke to the feeling of Bones' lips on the back of his neck. He turned in Bones' arms and pulled him closer, kissed him tenderly.

_Good morning._

Bones smiled against his lips.

_Mornin', darlin'._

Jim eased one leg over Bones' thigh, tucking him even closer. _So, you're off all day._

Bones opened his eyes. _Yeah._

Jim grinned. _Perfect_.

* * *

Three hours later, they were sitting in a park watching people pass by and eating an early lunch. Or rather, Bones was eating, while Jim's head rested in his lap with his eyes closed. The sun was just warm enough that he could have gone back to sleep if he'd wanted.

Fingers brushed through his hair, and he blinked until Bones' face came into focus. He smiled.

_This is nice._

Bones smiled softly. _Yeah. Been awhile since…_ Bones swallowed, and looked away. Jim turned, curled around Bones' hip slightly.

_You know, I never did enjoy just sitting down outside, without you there_.

Bones looked back down at him, one eyebrow raised. _I find that hard to believe_.

Jim shrugged. Mostly. It was hard to do when he was laying on his side, after all. _I tried a few times. Went to a park, put down a blanket, the whole nine yards._

Bones' hand was back on his head, rubbing circles into the top of his scalp. _So what was wrong?_

Jim hummed and closed his eyes again. _You weren't there._

_Simple as that._

Jim nodded, feeling lazy and content. _Yep._

They were silent for several minutes.

_You made me want to slow down and… appreciate things, Bones_.

The hand on his head paused just a second. When it started back up, Jim could have sworn it was different, though the pressure and steady circles were the same.

_You made me want to see the universe_.

Jim nuzzled his face into Bones' thigh gently.

* * *

One day and five hours later, Jim was sprawled out on Bones' couch, pinned comfortably by Bones' back against his chest as they watched a movie.

_This has been…_ Bones sighed. _Good. Really… good._

He rolled over just enough so that he could see Jim's eyes. Jim leaned down and kissed him.

_Only good? I must be losing my touch…_

Bones grinned, then sat up and ran a hand through his hair.

_Jim, I been thinkin'-_

_That's never a good start to our conversations_.

Bones worried at his lower lip for a second, watching Jim. Then he reached into his pocket and pulled something out, holding it out for Jim.

Jim looked at it. It was Bones' wedding ring.

He blinked, and blinked again. Swallowed, let out a shaky breath. _Bones, can't… can't we talk about this?_

Bones pushed the ring closer to him. _You should have this back, Jim_.

Jim looked at him imploringly. Bones' expression never wavered. With a sigh, Jim reached out and let his fingers close around it.

_OK, Bones. I understand._

He went to pull his hand back.

The ring didn't move.

He frowned, and met Bones' eyes again. There was a spark in them that made his heart flutter with hope.

_What are-_

_I'm gonna need your ring, Jim._

Jim frowned. _What-_

Bones grinned. _Your ring. I'm gonna need it_.

Jim's breath hitched. _My ring._

Bones shrugged. _I shouldn't have to put my own ring on my finger, Jim._

Jim pulled the ring in Bones' fingers - it came easily this time. He slipped it back onto his right hand, then eased the ring on his left off. He held it up, looking it over. It was dinged up and worn looking, and his hand felt so naked without it. With a deep breath, he held it out to Bones.

Bones took it, closing his hands around Jim's hand for a moment and squeezing.

Then he had Jim's ring in his hand, looking at it much like Jim had.

_So… _Jim had to swallow twice before he could speak again. _When-_

_I'll let you know_.

Bones closed his hand around Jim's ring, then leaned in and kissed him.

_Okay_. Jim's fingertips traced over Bones' cheek. Bones grinned at him.

_I love you, Jim._

Jim kissed him in response.

* * *

Three days later, Bones commed Jim.

_Days like this make me long for Enterprise again_.

Jim smiled.

_It's been three days, Bones_.

The reply came back almost instantly.

_Fuck_.

Jim laughed, and ordered Chinese. Dinner in Bones' office sounded perfect.

* * *

Four hours later, Jim drove them both back to Bones' apartment.

He got Bones into a shower, lathered him up and rubbed away the worst of the knots in his shoulders and back. Bones made minimal noise - a soft grunt as Jim's fingertips pressed into his shoulder, a moan when his palms soothed over his lower back and hips. He leaned back against Jim and let the heat of the water seep into him.

Jim towelled him off as quickly as possible. _Come on, Bones. I've got you_.

He manoeuvred Bones into bed, pulling him close. Bones' arm went around his waist automatically, his head resting on Jim's shoulder and chest.

Jim kissed his forehead.

_Jim?_

Jim hummed in response. _Yeah, Bones?_

Bones rubbed his face against Jim's chest, nuzzling as he shifted closer. _Thanks._

He was asleep within moments.

* * *

Six hours later, Jim felt the mattress move beside him before he heard the alarm going off.

_Alarm acknowledged._ Bones grumbled as he swung his feet over the side of the bed, yawning and stretching. Jim watched, enjoying the long lines of Bones' back as he stood and stretched, muscles shifting as he walked over to the dresser and pulled out some jeans and a dark t-shirt.

_I'll comm you when I go to lunch._ Bones looked over at Jim as he pulled his shirt on. _Provided I don't end up in another emergency surgery._

Jim grinned. _I should head home._

Bones paused as he was walking into the bathroom to look back at Jim. _Why?_

Jim frowned. _Because… I… I don't live here, Bones._

Bones licked his lips and shrugged. _Never kept you outta my room at the academy, or my quarters on Enterprise, ya know._

Jim's eyebrows rose in a sad imitation of Bones' own expression. _You saying I can stay?_

Bones rolled his eyes and stalked into the bathroom. Jim waited.

When he came back out, his hair was combed and his tongue was running over his teeth, and Jim sat up.

_Seriously, Bones - can I stay?_

Bones stopped short, looking back at Jim, who felt as though his heart was about to beat right through his ribs. He looked down at the blanket over his legs instead of Bones' eyes, because he wasn't sure he could stand it if the answer wasn't yes.

The bed dipped, and Bones' fingers were on his chin, tilting his head up gently.

_Of course you can stay, Jim._

Bones kissed him, and Jim held on like he was a lifeline.

* * *

Four days later, Jim handed Bones the entry code to his apartment.

_You know, you can stay, too._

* * *

Three days later, Bones used the entry code for the first time. Jim sat up from where he'd been flopped over on the sofa, and grinned. Bones smiled back at him.

* * *

Two weeks and one day later, Jim brought Thai food to the hospital for dinner.

_You could move in, you know._

Bones paused in his chewing. _When's your lease up?_

Jim shrugged. _Whenever I want it to be. I don't mind breaking it._

Bones shook his head. _Mine's up in two months. Is yours before or after that?_

_After, technically._ Jim beamed. _So you'll move in?_

Bones frowned. _I'll consider it._

Jim ducked his head and took another bite of his Pad Thai.

* * *

Five weeks later, Bones handed Jim a roll of tape.

_Gonna need a hand boxing everything up._

Jim pinned him to the floor and kissed him until they were both dizzy.

* * *

Two weeks and five days later, Bones took one last look at the apartment he'd had. Jim held his hand, thumb stroking over the inside of his wrist.

_Ready for this?_

Bones squeezed his hand. _Darlin', I been ready for a long time._

* * *

One day later, Jim was staring at the closet and humming to himself.

Bones clothes had been the first thing they'd put away, making sure that anything he needed for the hospital was easily found and accessible - which had come in very handy that morning, when Bones had woken with a grumbling dismissal of the alarm, and walked straight to the closet and pulled out his scrubs. He'd showered and dressed and kissed Jim so sweetly that Jim was certain he could feel the tingling of Bones' lips against his still.

He feels like he's being put back together, one brick at a time. He stared at the closet, and smiled.

* * *

Twelve hours later, Bones stumbled back into the apartment, his scrubs trailing him as he made his way down the hallway. Jim followed, picking up clothes like a trail of breadcrumbs. When he reached their bedroom, He saw Bones sitting on the edge of the bed in just his briefs, leaning over his knees and rubbing his face.

_Shower?_

Bones looked up, nodding as he sighed.

_Yeah. I'll be back in a few minutes._

Jim nodded, and put the clothes in the hamper as he heard the water turn on.

* * *

Five minutes later, Bones hadn't come back out. Jim had collected the book he'd been reading from the living room, and settled against the headboard.

* * *

Seven minutes later, Jim heard a loud _thud_ from the bathroom, followed by an equally loud curse.

He was out of the bed and opening the door when he heard the sobbing.

_Bones?_

He opened the shower door. Bones was sitting on the floor, knees pulled up to his chest and face buried against them, shaking.

_Bones…_

Bones looked up, eyes red-rimmed and miserable. _Sorry, I… sorry, God, Jim, I'm sorry, just…_ He took a shuddering breath and closed his eyes.

Jim shucked his sweatpants and stepped into the shower, kneeling in front of Bones.

_Can I do anything at all?_

Bones shook his head. _Just… bad day at work._

Jim sat, opening his arms. Bones shifted until he was leaning back against him, Jim's arms wrapped around his shoulders.

_She was six-years-old. And I couldn't save her._

Jim's arms tightened.

_Six-goddamn-years-old, and… and I couldn't… there was nothing, Jim, nothing I could do. She was so small…_

Jim pressed his lips to Bones' shoulder. _I'm sorry._

Bones shook again. A hand came up to wipe at his eyes. _She fell out of a tree, and… dammit, I should have been able to put her back together. I've done more with far less, seen worse and made it better, and I… I couldn't fix…_

Jim kissed his shoulder again, not saying anything. Bones shook and shook, and Jim held him.

When the water no longer felt warm - which Jim knew was simply their bodies adjusting to it, rather than it going cold, as it would have done long ago - Bones relaxed back into him.

_We should get some sleep_.

Jim nodded. _Will you be able to sleep?_

Bones shrugged. _Guess we'll find out._

They shared the towel that Bones had brought in, and Jim threw his sweatpants back on. Bones grabbed an old pair of shorts from their days at Starfleet Academy, and a t-shirt.

When they laid down, Bones curled around Jim's side, and Jim rubbed his back until his breathing evened out.

He stayed awake until Bones' alarm went off, just to be sure he didn't have any nightmares.

It was worth it.

* * *

Nine hours later, Jim woke to the sound of the door opening. He blinked his eyes open, realising that he was back on the couch in the living room. He looked towards the door and saw Bones coming in, carrying two packages that smelled _divine_.

He sat up and rubbed at his eyes, smiling when Bones looked at him.

_Dim sum?_

Jim nodded. _I could marry you right now._

He froze, waiting for the inevitable panic and anger that Bones seemed to come back with whenever he mentioned that subject.

Instead, Bones grinned. _You mean we could have saved the money on rings and just bought each other food the first time around?_

Jim stared at him. Then he laughed.

* * *

Two hours later, Jim was on his back on their bed, his legs locked around Bones' hips urging him_ faster, harder, deeper._ He pulled Bones down to kiss him, hands twining in his hair as he felt Bones' hips begin to lose their steady rhythm.

When Bones came with a final hard thrust, Jim moaned and bucked up, trying to find some decent friction himself. Bones kept kissing him, slipping his hand between them and tightening it around Jim, long, purposeful strokes making him gasp into Bones' mouth. It didn't take long, and then Jim was coming, hands clawing at Bones' back and shoulders as he shuddered through the orgasm.

_I got ya darlin'._

Jim sighed. _You do that on purpose, don't you._

He opened his eyes to see Bones smiling down at him. _Maybe_.

Jim smirked, and kissed him again. _I love you_.

Bones eased up, rolling carefully onto his side. Jim rolled to face him, eyes heavy.

_I love you, too._

Jim let his hand trail along Bones' cheek. Bones closed his eyes, pressing into the touch.

_I… I got an interesting message today_.

Jim grunted and closed his eyes.

_From Starfleet._

Jim's eyes opened. _What?_

Bones pursed his lips, searching Jim's face before continuing. _They want me to come back to the academy. Seems they're in need of an instructor._

Jim opened his mouth, closed it again. _Oh_. He felt ridiculous, but was unable to say much of anything else at all.

Bones just watched him as he thought about this.

_They say when they want you to start?_

Bones nodded. _New term starts in just under three months. I have one in which to make my decision._

Jim swallowed. _Are you… are you seriously considering it?_

Bones looked down at Jim's chest. _Yeah, I… I really am. It wouldn't just be teaching._ He looked back up then. _I'd have a research lab. Doin' the work I… I wanted to, originally._

Jim smiled, and by the look on Bones' face, he knew it didn't look remotely sincere. _That's great, Bones. That's… amazing, really._

_Jim-_

Jim shook his head. _You should take it. You'll be brilliant, Bones. You've always been brilliant with your research_.

Bones flushed slightly darker at that. _I don't_-

Jim kissed him to shut him up. It worked temporarily, and Bones leaned into him, kissed him like he was trying to give himself a way to remember the way Jim tasted. Maybe he was. Maybe this was the first good-bye kiss they'd share this time.

When Jim pulled back, Bones' eyes were still closed, and he squirmed closer, burying his face against Jim's neck.

_Come with me._

Jim froze. _What_?

Bones chuckled softly. _You heard me._

Jim swallowed. _Ask me when you're not basking in the afterglow._

Bones hummed, and wrapped his arm around Jim's waist.

* * *

Two days later, Bones came home from an overnight shift to find Jim pulling out two bowls for cereal.

_Thought you might be hungry_.

Bones smiled. _I could eat_.

Jim handed over the bowl complete with spoon, and slid into his own seat at the small table.

_Come with me_.

Jim looked up from his breakfast and stared at Bones.

_You're_-

Bones shook his head. _I'm not that tired, Jim, and I'm not coming down from an endorphin high after sex_. He frowned. _I'm askin' because I just came home, and you thought about me. I walked in the door at six in the morning and you were here, and I want to be able to walk through the door in San Fransisco and see you there._

Jim chewed quietly, looking down at his cereal. _That sounds like quite a… commitment_.

Bones' hand reached out and took his, and he looked up.

_It is. And I'm askin' you if you'd make it._

Jim licked his lips. _It can't be like last time._

Bones rubbed his thumb over the back of Jim's hand. _That's a two-way street, you know._

Jim nodded, and took another bite of breakfast.

* * *

Seven hours later, Bones groaned and rolled over in bed, reaching out and finding the sheets beside him cool and unused. He sat bolt-upright, glancing around before remembering that he'd worked overnight. He stretched and slipped out of bed, padding down the hallway to find Jim sprawled on the living room floor with several PADDs.

_Jim_?

Jim looked up. _What's wrong? Did I wake you?_

Bones shook his head, rubbing at his face as he came around the couch and sat down, looking at everything. _What's all this?_ He gestured vaguely at the PADDs.

Jim smiled gently. _Studying_.

Bones frowned. _What_?

Jim laughed. _You didn't think I've just been drinking myself stupid and sleeping around the whole time we've been apart, did you_?

Bones' flushed and looked away. _No, I… of course I didn't…_

Jim shoved his leg playfully. _You totally did. It's cool._ He picked up the PADD right next to his left elbow and handed it over. _Here_.

Bones looked at it. Tactics. Statistics. Methodology. _Jim… are you… are you going back into space_?

Jim snorted. _Not planning on it_. His expression softened. _But I thought… The admiralty's commed me a few times in the last few years. Wanted me to give talks on whatever._ He gave a modest shrug. _Thought maybe, since we're moving out there, I might… offer._

Bones stared at the PADD as Jim's words sunk in.

_You're… You're coming with me._

Jim gave him what had become known as _his smile_, the smile he gave to no one else, ever. _Yeah. I'm coming with you_.

Bones dropped the PADD and sank to his knees on the floor, pushing Jim over and climbing on top of him as he laughed. He kissed him, fingers clutching at his hair.

_I love you_.

Jim laughed against Bones' lips. _I love you, too_.

* * *

Four weeks later, Jim and Bones had once again packed up an apartment.

_I know we're missin' something_.

Jim smirked as he shoved a box against a wall. _Like what, Bones? Everything we own is wrapped and packed and sandwiched between so much protective material, I'm certain we have twice the amount of boxes we need._

Bones glared at him, and Jim laughed, loud and happy and like he hadn't laughed in _years_. It felt good.

_No, I'm certain we're missin' something._ Bones looked around, then grinned and looked back at Jim. _Oh right, I remember now_.

Jim stared at him, and Bones licked his lips as he reached into his pocket. He pulled his hand back out and held it out. Jim's breath caught.

His ring, _his ring_, was sitting there between Bones' fingers.

_Bones_…

_Marry me, Jim. Again._

Jim blinked, his eyes focused on the ring. He looked back up to Bones' face and said, "Yes."

* * *

One week later, Jim grabbed a box cutter and sliced open the tape on a box marked, _Bedroom_. He pulled out several old paper books of his, settling them carefully on the small shelf on his side of the bed. There was an actual picture frame in there as well, which he pulled out and set on top of the shelf that doubled as a bedside table. He smiled as he ran his fingertips over it.

"Y'ain't done with all of this yet?"

He looked over his shoulder to see Bones standing in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest and grinning. Jim snorted and rolled his eyes.

"What's the rush?"

Bones pushed off the jamb and came to sit beside Jim. He ran his fingers over the spines of the books and said, "Maybe I'm eager to make up for lost time."

Jim chuckled, reaching out to take his hand. "You mean the honeymoon we haven't taken yet?" He rubbed at the ring on Bones' finger.

"That too," Bones said. "Classes don't start for another seven weeks. I wanna make the most of it."

Jim placed a kiss against the back of Bones' hand, and asked, "How's it feel? Being married again?"

Bones looked at him thoughtfully, and said, "You know the whole, _phantom limb_, sensation people used to get? Lose a limb, but you can still feel it sometimes?"

Jim nodded.

"It's sort of the reverse, for me. I knew it was still there - I never stopped loving you, Jim, and you know that - but I couldn't feel it. And it was.. .difficult. Knowin' something's there, but never seeing it, never feeling it, never being able to move past it."

Jim smiled and looked down at the box in front of him.

"What about you?" Bones's fingers were drumming softly against his knuckles where they were laced. "How does it feel for you?"

Jim sighed. "It feels like I've been underwater for years, and I've finally surfaced." He shifted, leaned back against the bed and watched Bones as he spoke. "I can breathe again. I can see and hear and…" He licked his lips. "I'm _alive_."

Bones pushed the box out of his way and scooted closer to Jim, turning so that he could lean back against him, press his back to Jim's chest and lean his head back on his shoulder.

"Nervous?"

Jim hummed. "I'd be lying if I said no."

Bones nodded. "Good. Me too."

"But I don't have any doubts."

"Me neither."

Jim kissed the side of Bones' head and said, "I love you."

Bones' hand came up to thread through Jim's hair as he said, "I love you, too."

Jim closed his eyes, and smiled.


End file.
